Mid-Life: Wow, Here I Am
I'm having a mid-life crisis. I don't know who I am nor what I want to be anymore. Let's back up a few years.I have always mapped out my life. I've always had goals and dreams. I was an exceptional student throughout elementary and secondary school. I participated in all sorts of extra curricular activities, and I never gave my parents any cause for concern. I wasn't totally perfect, but my parents never had to really worry. I always knew I was going to attend the university.
So I did. Then I graduated. I got a job. Soon I was married. Now I have a mortgage. Along the way I became mom to two incredible kids, the classic girl and boy. We have a dog. I even drive the requisite soccer mom, mini van. I belong to a book club. We travel. I go to the kids' soccer and baseball games, dance recitals, choir and drama productions. We have annual passes to the "happiest place on Earth," Disneyland. So why do I feel like I'm missing something more?
The "big" goals I set when I was younger are accomplished. I didn't think about how I would be feeling several years into the life those goals would allow me to live. I'm supposed to be happy, satisfied and content. But I'm not. I feel lost and sort of empty. I can't seem to focus on finding a new dream, a new goal. I'm nervous, on edge and jumpy. Now what? That's the question I can't seem to answer.
Lately I have been wanting to pull up stakes and start over. A new career. A new country. A new life. Central America? Sounds so enticing. But, I'm nothing if not practical. That won't work. The kids still need to graduate high school. I need the benefits that my job affords me. I can't retire yet, I need 30 years to do that (this is year 24). And the schedule is so nice (I teach high school). So as long as I have reasons to stay, that lets me know that I'm not at the point where I'm ready to leave. Not yet, anyway. But, what if I start to dream? to explore? to see what the possibilities are out there?
It's a start. It might not be much movement. But maybe it will get my creative thoughts flowing. I used to want to be a forest ranger. Then again, a professional Girl Scout always sounded fun. Wait, did I ever write that children's book I wanted to? No. Maybe I can start there, or that book of poems I was working on so long ago. Recently I discovered I really like photography. I could take some classes. Wow. There are so many opportunities out there, I just need to take some time to really think about it.
But for now, I'll think I'll go to bed. Before I get there, though, I better let the dog out and check on the kids. It won't be long before they aren't here to kiss goodnight and pull the covers up, even a mid-life crisis doesn't keep me from enjoying that simple joy of motherhood, no matter their ages.
